Recently in her blog, Lindsey made the following statement that I would like to address:
"Marshall brought up the topic today of giving an apology with “feeling”. I’m not really sure how to do this or what is involved (he said it should come naturally) in doing this since giving an apology comes from an understanding and awareness of your actions/behavior/words and has nothing to do with “feelings”. Whenever I think about giving an apology with “feeling” I feel the urge to laugh as if I am acting."
First, a few definitions:
apology (n) - An acknowledgment expressing regret or asking pardon for a fault or offense.
apologize (v) - To make excuse for or regretful acknowledgment of a fault or offense.
So we see that an essential part of an apology is the presence of "regret."
regret (v) To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about.
Yes, it says "To feel." Without the feeling, it is not an apology. I do realize that part of the definition is "asking pardon" or "making excuse." However, it is not those things that people desire in an apology -- It is that feeling of remorse for doing them harm that they seek.
You mentioned that an apology "comes from an understanding and awareness of your actions/behaviors/words," and yes, it does "come from" that. However, it stops at several places on the way. After it leaves awareness, it proceeds to evaluation, followed by emotion and then reaction. The emotion is what moves us to act; If that emotion is not regret, any apology we give is motivated by other factors.
Sometimes people realize that a wrongdoing of theirs may hurt other people, and they realize this is wrong, and the proceeding emotion is regret. That feeling of regret will then move them to apologize.
Alternatively, a person may instead recognize that a wrongdoing has lead to someone being mad at them, which may make them feel bad about themselves. The resulting emotion is fear, and they apologize so that they no longer have to be subject to the treatment that bears negatively upon their self-image. The apology lacks regret, so it may seem inauthentic, but this is justifiably so because it is *not* a genuine apology (at least not entirely.)
So what do we do with this faux-pology? I think that a person who portrays behavior like that in the latter scenario lacks a certain level of emotional maturity, due to insecurities, inhibited development or various other reasons that I'm not aware of, and this should be considered when determining how to deal with them. Do you condemn them? Well, do you condemn a person for their psychological misgivings? I don't think so.
I think the proper response is some level of compassion. This is an emotion, of course, which must proceed from the recognition of the fact that the person isn't adequately equipped emotionally to provide a satisfactory apologetic response. We know that they don't wish to do us harm, and any harm they do is done unconsciously. The resulting action is then forgiveness.
So yes, Lindsey, an apology does require feeling. But nobody should condemn you if, for whatever reason, you're unable to provide it to them. I certainly lack the emotional maturity required to fully experience regret sometimes when I do something wrong, and this has caused conflicts between my boss and me. Perhaps if he knew this about me, he would approach it definitely, but most of the time it results in his frustration.
I realize I may be oversimplifying the matter or not entirely accurate, so I welcome any comments. (Particularly from experienced psychologists.)
Posted by Marshall at March 29, 2004 07:56 PM