Marshall Sontag Live!

Reflect!

It's been almost a month since I returned from the retreat, so I've had plenty of time to ponder my experiences at the retreat and it's effects, which have been ephemeral, subtle, long-lasting and profound all at the same time. While it has only been a month, the pace and structure of my daily routine has caused me to feel somewhat distanced from the experience, so I'm going to put all my thoughts down before I forget valuable parts of it.

Like I mentioned previously, it was being held at the Holy Name Monastery in St. Leo, FL, which is about 20 miles from Lakeland. Brittany and I were a little late because we initially wandered around the wrong building -- I guess at a Catholic university, several of the buildings resemble what could be a monastery. Anyways, we finally found the right building and arrived right as they were getting started with light stretching exercises, followed by a 45 minute sitting meditation, various announcements and then bedtime.

The structure of the next two days consisted of periods of sitting meditation, walking meditation, dharma talks (discussions of buddhism) and light stretching exercises, with breakfast, lunch and dinner interspersed throughout the day. The whole retreat was supposed to be spent in silence (called "noble silence"), which it was for the most part, but there was some talking during discussions, and of course Brittany and I broke the rules a few times -- at one point, the teacher play-scolded us and told us to stop communicating.

Arinna Weisman was our teacher, and everything about her radiated joy -- her manner is very peaceful and her very presence puts me at ease. She has a British accent from being raised in South Africa, and her speech is polished and intentional. By intentional, I mean that unlike many people who seem to just ramble out whatever comes to mind, it seemed as if everything she said was carefully chosen. She had a very warm and inviting smile, and a jubilant laugh. She's been practicing meditation for 20 years, and has studied many different traditions, including the Zen tradition under Zen Master Thich Naht Hanh.

We would wake up at 6:45 AM and have 30 minutes to shower, after which someone would walk through the dorm hall ringing a bell. We would then report to the sitting room and do sitting meditation for 45 minutes. For those unacquainted with the meditative arts, this consists basically of sitting in one place without moving and doing nothing but watching your breathing. (You can also read Joshua Zader's How to Meditate.) For the most part, I sat in a meditation chair with a zafu on the seat, which proved to be very comfortable. Thoughts would arise and I would automatically be consumed by them until I realized I was thinking, and I would drop the thought and return my attention back to my breath. After the sitting, we would go to breakfast, which consisted mostly of eggs, cereal, fruit and toast. After breakfast, we'd have about an hour to do what we wanted and then I got to ring the bill to signal to everyone to return to the sitting room for another 45 minutes of sitting meditation, followed by 45 minutes of walking meditation.

The purpose of the walking meditation (I think -- I never got around to asking her the purpose) is to practice being mindful of your body and to become accustomed to keeping your attention in your body throughout the day. Prior to the first walking meditation, Arinna gave us instructions on two different methods of doing it. The first method involved counting your alternating steps as such: 1, 1-2, 1-2-3, 1-2-3-4. This continues up to ten, after which you go back down. 10, 10-9, 10-9-8, etc. This was the method she prescribed for those that didn't have the patience or coordination for the other method, which involved mentally identifying each individual component of the walking as you slowly walk: Lifting the foot, placing the foot, and then shifting your weight from the rear foot to the front foot. Lifting, Placing, Shifting. Lifting, Placing, Shifting. Lifting, Placing, Shifting. Lifting, Placing, Shifting, And so on. She also said in her instructions that formally, you would start off at a faster pace and only identify the placing, and after 15 minutes you would slow down and identify only lifting and placing, and after 15 minutes of that you would slow down even more and identify all three. This was an interesting exercise... I found myself picking out a place to walk to in my mind, and then urges arising to get there more quickly, but most of the time I resisted the urges and maintained my slow and steady pace. After a little practice, you get into the natural rhythm of walking despite the incredibly slow pace and everything else around you seems to fade away. Sometimes I didn't resist the urges, however, and used the first counting method as a rationalization to get somewhere more quickly. "I'll just do this other method. It's meditation too, right?"

After some more sitting and walking, it would be lunchtime. I found the meals to be the highpoints of my day, despite the fact that we ate in total silence; However, now in retrospect, the meals are the least memorable. I found myself taking more food than I really wanted to eat. Brittany said she was doing the same thing, and that she thinks that it was compensating for the lack of the usual stimulus, such as social interaction and internet. This might explain why I would get so excited by the meals, but I usually get excited by eating anyways! (I think it was a little of both.) We were encouraged to eat mindfully, which consisted of taking a bite, putting the fork down, closing your eyes and putting all of your attention into that bite of food -- the taste and texture, the feeling of it moving around in your mouth and chewing it and the sensation of swallowing the bite, feeling it go all the way down to your stomach. It was a very satisfying experience, and I found that later in the day I could more easily recall what I ate and exactly what it tasted like moreso than usual.

Some interesting patterns kept arising throughout the weekend. The one that seemed to be most prevalent was my habitual resistance to the present moment, otherwise characterized as wanting to be somewhere else. While I would be doing sitting meditation, I would suddenly get impatient and think "I can't wait for this to be over so I can go outside for the walking meditation, and enjoy the warmth of the sun and the fresh air and actually do some activity." Afterwards, during the walking meditation, I would be thinking, "It's so hot out here, and this walking is boring, I can't wait to get back inside to just relax and do sitting meditation." :-) It didn't take much of that for me to realize what was going on. It happened routinely during every meditation, but I became adept at catching it, identifying it for what it was (a resistance pattern) and then taking my attention back to my breath or walking. I was reminded of the story of a monk who was subject to Chinese water torture, yet survived unscathed. When asked how he did it, his response was this: "Every drop was the first drop." While this probably never really happened, it did help me greatly whenever the thought arose that what I was doing was taking too long -- This is the first breath. This is the first step.

Another pattern of thought that kept arising was this blog entry. No, not this blog entry, but an imaginary one that was very much like it. Sometimes while I would be doing sitting or walking meditation, or eating a meal, my mind would say, "Hey! I could write about this in my blog!" followed by thoughts about the best way to word it. As soon as I caught myself doing it, I would let it go, but it was really quite prevalent the whole time. What strikes me as funny is that despite all the time I spent doing it, the only thing I seem to have retained was "radiated joy," and I guess that's only because when I think of Arinna, that's what comes to mind. Ironically enough, it's taken me almost a month to finally get around to writing the entire entry.

At the very end of the retreat, we formed a circle and one by one discussed our retreat experience. Peter said that lately he's been experiencing intense back pain which had severely hindered his ability to meditate, and that his mind kept telling him horror stories of how he'll never be able to teach meditation again. He got very emotional and he himself started crying, which lasted for about 5 minutes until Arinna decided to move on to the next person due to time restraints. Everyone seemed very vulnerable emotionally, and many people cried while sharing their experiences. Arinna explained why at the end, and gave us a disclaimer regarding our emotional states following the retreat. She said the daily practices of the retreat had "opened up our hearts" and that we would be much more vulnerable once we returned to our normal lives. I disregarded it because I wasn't feeling very vulnerable, but boy was I wrong! I'll get to that in a moment...

After that, we broke noble silence and had lunch, our last meal together. Arinna asked Brittany and I about our jobs, and then expressed interest in having me redesign her website when she found out about what i did. I've since talked to her on the phone and she's arranged to send me tapes of her previous dharma talks for inspiration. These tapes are usually at least $12 a piece, but I'm getting them for free! Anyways, we packed up our stuff and we bought a copy of Arinna's book, The Beginners Guide to Insight Meditation, in which she wrote a personal blessing for us. If anyone would like to read this, let me know and I will gladly buy you a copy -- at least to borrow so that I can lend it to others!

For the next few days after we returned, I was ultra-sensitive! While I was at work, Joshua Zader and I got into a disagreement regarding something I was doing for The Atlasphere in which he said that I was being unprofessional, and I started crying! I realize part of it was because I stake some of my self-worth in his opinion of me, but I ordinarily wouldn't start crying hysterically like that! I had to go to the bathroom a few times to maintain my composure, and Josh and I talked it out. He was very supportive to my condition and was very reassuring, and we ended up resolving it in no time -- it was just a miscommunication! In fact, one of the reasons we were able to resolve it so quickly is because of how uncharacteristically open I was being throughout the ordeal.

Like I mentioned previously, it's been nearly a month and I'm finally getting around to completing this entry and I've lost a great deal of enthusiasm since I started writing it, which was a few days afterwards. I've had various insights following it, but they no longer seem as exciting to me. I no longer meditate as religiously as I did in the days that followed the retreat. Things have definitely returned to normal -- but not entirely. I still feel a lot more open in my dealings with people, and I seem to have developed a greater sensitivty to the suffering I cause others sometimes through my harsh words. Overall, it was an excellent experience, and I'm definitely looking forward to the next one... Hopefully, it will be your first.

Posted by Marshall at March 28, 2004 09:49 PM